


Switching Places

by mustangsgloves



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: F/M, but I promise angst, guys I promise I know what I'm doing, just trust me on this one, seeing as that's all I can write in all honesty, seemingly angsty, seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-02-12
Packaged: 2018-05-17 09:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5863477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mustangsgloves/pseuds/mustangsgloves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riza Hawkeye thought she knew pain.</p><p>In which it's not just Roy who loses someone close.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pain

Riza Hawkeye thought she knew about pain.

 

Losing her mother, that was pain.  Watching helplessly as her father became more and more obsessed with his work, that was pain.  Seeing Roy Mustang, her first friend, her first crush, the first person to really _care_ about her since her mother's death, leave for the Military Academy, plenty of pain.

 

Seeing the same boy - no, _man_ \- only a year later in Ishval, using the power she had entrusted him with, that had been pain.  Having no choice but to follow the orders of the higher-ups and commit mass murder…. She couldn't even put _words_ to that.  Having the damned secrets on her back burned off, _excruciating_ pain.  But this?  Nothing even came close.

 

This was a whole new level of pain.

 

"What…" Riza swallowed, attempting to talk despite her suddenly dry throat.  "What do you mean?"

 

The MP's voice on the other end of the line was cold…steady…professional.  Fleetingly, Riza wondered if that's how she sounded when she gave orders in the office.  She decided it didn’t matter.

 

"I'm sorry ma'am," the man said, not really sounding as sorry as Riza thought he should.  "We don't have very much information at the moment."

 

"Just…" Riza inhaled, trying to ignore the icy cold settling in her gut.  "Please, repeat your original message again."

 

A quick rustle and the man spoke, but Riza barely caught his first words because all she could hear was "has been murdered…"

 

_Has been murdered… been murdered… has been…_

 

"You, First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, were listed among her family to notify in case of death."

 

_Been murdered…_

 

"Ma'am?" the MP asked when Riza didn't reply.

_Murdered…_

 

"Y-yes." Words hurt.  "Yes, thank you for notifying me."  _Everything_ hurt.

 

Her limbs felt like they were on fire.  The cold in her stomach expanded to her chest.

 

"I'm truly sorry ma'am," the man said.  Riza's gaze was locked on some point on the wall opposite her, eyes wide…unfocused.  "You and her must've been close."

 

Her breathing was shallow.  Attempting to take a deep inhale, she only coughed instead.

 

"Close…" Riza blinked.  "Yes.  Yes, we are-" she stopped.

 

The ice in her chest turned to fire.

 

"We _were_ close."  The man seemed to sense that she wasn't wanting to discuss the topic further.  Bidding her good evening, he hung up.

 

In the space behind her eyes, it was as if a symphony had begun to tune.  So many emotions, thoughts…so much pain.

 

It was all too much at once.

 

Riza slowly drew the phone from her ear and held it against her chest.  This couldn't be right.  There must have been a mistake.

 

There was no way… no way in hell….

 

Her friend…  No.

 

She sank against the wall.

 

_Murdered…_

 

No.

 

There was no way.  Her grip on the phone tightened.

 

_Don't have very much information…murdered… been murdered…sorry ma'am…_

 

But what this man had just told her…  It wasn't possible.  It was _impossible_ …

 

Unbidden, a memory in sprang up in her mind, a deep voice, usually comforting, but not in this moment… _nothing is impossible_ …

 

_Among her family…to be notified in case…of death…_

 

_No._

 

The phone dropped, hitting the floor as it hung by only its wire.

 

_In case of death…_

 

The phone bounced, held suspended in mid air.  Swaying.

 

 _Among her family_ …

 

Bright laughter, a big smile, endearing smirks and bumping shoulders…

 

_Death…_

 

Coffee breaks, late-night bar shenanigans…

 

_Murdered…_

 

Ceaseless teasing, good-natured whining about men…

 

_Gone…_

 

Comforting hugs that she didn't know she needed, simple nods of the head that gave her the confidence she lacked, fun dangling earrings…

 

Impossible…but Riza couldn't shake the sound of the MP's voice saying the name…

 

 _Her_ name…

 

 _Nothing is impossible_ …

 

She screwed her eyes shut.  Her head pounded.  She felt sick.

 

An overly complex drink order, old academy sweatshirts thrown over a black tank-top and shorts to go out for an early morning run for food, tight hugs for Hayate…

 

Her best friend.

 

_Yoo-hoo…Riza!_

 

Rebecca Catalina.

 

_Had been murdered…_


	2. The List

Riza doesn't sleep that night, not that she expected to.

 

She barely even remembers getting into her bed.  She didn't bother to do anything besides take her shoes off, and even that action had been painfully automatic.  Unlace one, slide off, unlace the other, slide off.

 

It's hard to sleep with that burning feeling in her chest.  Simultaneously excruciatingly hot and icy cold.  Her body felt as scattered as her brain.

 

At 5 am she decides she might as well just go into the office early.  The shower's cold stream does little to sooth her, even though the cold generally wakes her up and relaxes her mind, right now it's just a painful contrast between her surroundings and her heated feelings.

 

Hayate whimpers as she puts her boots back on, asking for attention.  Leaning down she scratches the pup behind the ears, cracking a small smile when his tongue lolls out.  But it's gone almost immediately.  Looking at Hayate's happy expression, she's reminded of how much Rebecca likes, _no - liked_ , she corrects herself, the small Shiba Inu.  The weight in her chest gets even heavier.

 

The drive to work is a blur.

 

* * *

When Roy gets to the office, his usual 10 minutes later than expected time, he's not surprised to find Hawkeye, Fuery and Falman already hard at work.  He lets out a huff of amusement as he pictures Breda and Havoc sauntering into work in the next few minutes.

 

"Good morning Colonel Mustang," Fuery offers as he passes the young technician's desk.  Roy shoots him a small smile and a 'hello' in response.  Falman gives him a nod in passing, and Roy returns the gesture.  When he reaches his Lieutenant's desk, the air seems to shift.

 

"Morning Lieutenant," he says.  A small incline of her head is her only response.  Roy frowns slightly.  Even on the days she may be annoyed with him for not completing all of his paperwork the previous evening, she _always_ tells him good morning.

 

"Is everything alright?" he takes a step closer to her desk, preparing himself for whatever response she gives.

 

"G'morning Boss!" Havoc's loud greeting is accompanied by a laugh from Breda as the two men stroll into the office.

 

"Havoc, Breda," Roy nods his head to the two soldiers.

 

"Hey Boss," Breda says as he passes Roy where he stands next to Hawkeye's desk.

 

Roy turns his attention to Riza once again.  She still hasn't said anything.  The noise of a shutting drawer takes his attention away.  Havoc has his feet on his desk and an unlit cigarette perched precariously on his lips.

 

"Hey Hawkeye," the sandyhaired man smirks.  Roy knows what Havoc is waiting for.  Every morning, as part of a sort of routine, Havoc would greet Hawkeye with his cigarette present.  Without fail, she would return the greeting, and then proceed to teasingly admonish him for smoking in the office.  It was a sort of comradery between the two snipers.  It was normal.

 

But today, Riza remains silent.  But out of the corner of his eye, Roy can see her grip on her pen tighten for a second before forcibly relaxing.

 

Havoc frowns at the lack of response, and continues, "hey you don't happen to know what Rebecca's up to tonight do you? She didn't answer when I called her last night and I wanted to take her out to a new establishment nearby Christmas' Bar tonight."

 

Riza's grip tightens again, but this time when it looks like she's trying to relax it, it only get's more intense.  Within seconds her knuckles are white.  Roy feels his stomach turn.  The last time he'd seen her knuckles like that was when she was gripping her rifle as she begged him to burn the secrets off her back.

 

"Figure out your girl problems later, Havoc," Roy said as he turned away and walked towards his interior office.  "There's a lot of paperwork to do today, thanks to the recent violence in the Eastern district."  Havoc gave an exaggerated sigh before muttering something to Breda, who smirked, and then taking out a pen and pulling his stack of documents towards him.

 

* * *

Riza's eerie silence continues through the lunch break and into the early afternoon.  Roy wonders if she may be sick, it wouldn’t be unlike her to come to work even while feeling like shit.

 

She continues to sign the papers in front of her, possibly even more productive than usual, but Roy can tell it's a forced productivity, a necessary productivity.  If she stops, her mind will start and he can tell she doesn't want that to happen.

 

It's a little past 4:00 when the MP comes into the office and asks to speak to him and Hawkeye in his interior office.  He holds the door for the both of them, and despite his effort, Riza still doesn't meet his eyes.  He shuts the door behind them.  The knot in his stomach solidifies.

 

"So soldier," Roy says as he settles down into his desk chair, "how can I help you?"

 

"I've been assigned to notify you of the passing of a comrade under instruction of General Grumman in Eastern City," the MP says, his voice is monotone, clearly he has practiced being unemotional.  Roy tilts his head.

 

"The passing of a comrade?"

 

The MP nods.

 

"Under instruction of General Grumman," he asks.

 

"Yes sir."

 

Roy can feel a wave of emotion coming off of Riza that he can't quite distinguish.  It's new, different…and he decides immediately that he doesn't like it.

 

"Who is this comrade?"

 

"Second Lieutenant Rebecca Catalina, sir."  Roy feels like he's been punched in the gut.  He doesn't even want to look at Riza.  The MP has his gaze fixed determinedly on a point somewhere outside of Roy's window behind him.  The silence is deafening.

 

"I see…You are excused soldier."  The MP nods and exits, closing the door softly behind him.  It sounds like regret.

 

* * *

Riza doesn't look at her superior as the MP exits the office.  She can imagine the shocked and confused look on his face.  She doesn't want to see the emotions in his eyes.  Her face is blank, and her body doesn't feel like it's hers.

 

She already knew, but it doesn't make it easier.

 

She doesn't need a real person to look her in the eyes and tell her that her best friend is _dead_.  She doesn't need the pity, she doesn't want the pity, she just wants her best friend _back_.

 

* * *

Roy is speechless.

 

He exhales and runs a hand through his hair as he thinks about what to do, what to say.  Then he realizes there's nothing he can say.  He knows this.  He knows the pain of losing your best friend, he knows the disbelief.  He knows the shock and the hurt, and he knows that you feel damned lost as the world continues around you while yours falls apart.

 

He sneaks a glance at Riza and notices her red-rimmed eyes, and now he knows why she didn't meet his gaze earlier.  His chest hurts.

 

After a few more excruciatingly silent moments, he rises up out of his chair and walks towards the door.  He pauses there until he hears the familiar swish of the military-standard issued pants behind him, and then opens the door and steps out into the main office.

 

* * *

"What was that about Boss?" Havoc says from his desk, smirking he continues, "who's in trouble?"

 

Riza feels her heart just about stop.

 

Havoc didn't know.

 

Of course he didn’t know, the only reason she knew was because she is on the list that all soldiers write early on in their careers.  She and Rebecca had both written their first drafts in the Academy together when they were roommates.  Riza can count on one hand the people who she had written down in her first draft… _Cadet Rebecca Catalina, Mrs. Margaret Richards_ , _Brigadier General Eugene Grumman, and Major Roy Mustang._   Just her best friend, an old woman in her home town, her maternal grandfather she had just met, and her first friend and first crush.

 

Rebecca had included her.

 

Soldiers update the list every couple of years or whenever necessary.  By now Riza had her entire team, the Elric brothers, Gracia Hughes, and a handful of others including Madame Christmas on her list of people to be notified in case of her death.  She had changed Cadet to Second Lieutenant, taken Mrs. Richards off, taken the Brigadier off of General, and changed Major to Colonel.

 

Rebecca and Havoc had only been dating for a few months, and Rebecca didn't have any on the men on her list, being in Eastern Command most of the time and all.

 

Just last week she had mentioned how it was time for her to update her list to include the Elrics and the members of Roy's team, particularly Jean Havoc.

 

The realization hits Riza that the document that was always treated as 'a never going to be used' _had_ been used.  She blinks her eyes to clear the oncoming tears.

 

"Knowing the Colonel, it was probably just one of his old flames being mad that he never called back," Breda says.  Havoc snickers and replies with some similarly snarky response, and the two laugh again and are about to continue before Riza feels Roy stiffen beside her before he speaks.

 

"Lieutenant Catalina was murdered."

 

Havoc freezes mid laugh.  Breda's face falls, and both Falman and Fuery look up from their work.  Riza's chest tightens.  It's Breda that speaks first.

 

"You can't be serious."

 

Roy's stony expression is all the proof that the men need.  No one speaks for a few moments.

 

"No."  Havoc's voice is painfully quiet, and Riza feels like someone is physically hurting her when he turns to look at her.

 

She watches his expression as he searches her face.  She knows that he can see the hurt in her visage, the pain in her eyes, and the stony truth in her gaze.

 

* * *

The expression on Hawkeye's face is all the evidence that Havoc needs.  He can't control his body and why is he here and he can't deal with this and why isn't _she_ here why isn't she jumping out and surprising him with some sick kind of joke and why aren't his arms around her and why why _why._

 

He doesn't realize he's gotten up until he's a foot away from the two soldiers.

 

"Is this some kind of sick joke?" His voice is low as he addresses the dark hair man…deadly.

 

Mustang swallows as he shakes his head.  And something in Havoc snaps.

 

Suddenly he's yelling at his superior to stop lying to him and that this can't be true and that's there's _no fucking way_ that this is happening.

 

He sees Mustang steel himself before the man says, "I'm sorry, Havoc."

 

 _I'm sorry, Havoc_.

 

Yeah right.

 

"No you aren't!" Havoc is yelling now, and the words aren't being registered by his mind before they exit his body.  All rational though is long gone.  He repeats himself, " _no you aren't_."

 

Mustang blanches.

 

"You never liked her anyways!"

 

The other man opens his mouth to interject that that wasn't the case at all, but Havoc continues.

 

"You're probably happy that she's gone," Havoc's voice breaks.  Mustang opens his mouth to disagree, and Havoc finds himself wishing that the man would just shut _up_.

 

So he punches him.

 

Havoc doesn't register that his fist collided with his superior's nose until he hears Riza's shocked exclamation of "Jean!" as he storms back to his desk.

 

With a strangled yell, he runs his hand over the surface of his desk, knocking off multiple stacks of papers along with various other objects.  He hears the other men trying to get his attention, but it's all just a buzz.

 

It can't be real.

 

She can't be gone.

 

She _can't_.

 

He stops, breathing heavily and bracing himself on the desk as he feels someone stop next to him.

 

"Stop."  Hawkeye's voice is soft.

 

"I don't think I can," his is barely above a whisper.

 

"You have to."

 

"I can't."

 

He hears her begin to say something once again and he snaps at her.

 

"She's _gone_ Riza, _gone_.  I'm not going to stop."

 

His breathing is ragged and there's a beat of silence before he feels a small hand on his upper back.  He doesn’t think as he flings an elbow back, sending Riza, the one who had just been trying to comfort him when it's not just his girlfriend, but _her_ _best friend_ , falling backwards onto the ground with a hard exhale as the air is forced out of her body from the impact.

 

Suddenly Mustang is there and his nose is bleeding and despite that the look on his face is near furious.

 

"That's _enough_ , Lieutenant," the Colonel's voice is low, level, and dead serious.  It's almost scary.

 

Havoc feels an uncontrollable rage and he knows he has to get out of there before he really hurts somebody.  Turning, he faces Roy.

 

"You _bastard_ ," he snarls.  He shoves past the shocked man, walks past his friend who is sitting on the ground, and storms out of the office doors, slamming them behind him.

 

Nobody speaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing angst is surprisingly fun, send help

**Author's Note:**

> I've never done a "chaptered" fic, so stick with me here. Will probably not be super long or detailed, but we'll see!


End file.
